By George Keralis

Like arborists examining diverse types of trees in the forest, we’ve examined prepositions that describe our relationships in communication circles.  Sometimes we talk “at” one other.  Other times, we talk “to” one another.  On occasions, we might talk “down to” another person.  We may even find ourselves talking “above” people.  Unfortunately, sometimes we engage in talking “about” one another. 

Finally, we come to the preposition “with.”  Talking with you is a shared experience.  Our conversation requires us to share time, space and ideas with one another.  The path of sharing leads to healthy relationships. 

Talking with you requires mutual listening on both our parts while we talk with one another.  Listening means that we are hearing one another’s progression of thought.  It does not mean that we are preparing our arguments to counter one another’s thoughts or thinking of a personal story that can top the other’s story.  Listening to one another means that we are looking at one another, that we’re holding good eye contact with each other.  It also means that we are not fiddling with pens, checking text messages or emails, or scribbling meaningless drawings on a piece of paper.  We are actively and intentionally engaged in listening to each other.

When I talk with you, I expect you to give me a break so that I might express my views on a subject.  I shouldn’t have to try to jump in when you take a breath.  You are not talking “at” me.  We are sharing and exploring ideas together.  Talking with you ensures that I’m going to stop talking so that you might express your ideas.

Talking with you requires you to talk with me, listen to me and engage with me.  Just as I listen to you when we are talking with one another, so I expect you to listen to me.  We need to show one another the same courtesy and respect.  Talking with one another is a two-way street.

Talking with you requires me to engage you by asking you questions and reflecting on your answers.  I need to ask clarifying questions, questions that clarify issues and information.  My goal is to ensure that I understand what you are saying.  By asking questions, the conversation that we share together may take on a new direction.  I expect you to ask me questions when you don’t understand something that I have said.

Yes, talking with you even requires us to ask questions that challenge the logic of our arguments.  If we believe that a false foundation has been laid or a faulty conclusion has been reached, then we must ask questions to bring the errors to our mutual attention.  We are not attacking one another.  We are exploring a new or familiar territory together.

Talking with you means that we talk together with civility, endeavoring to understand one another, whether we agree or not.  While we cannot suppress our emotions entirely, we must learn to control those emotions, treating one another with respect.  This is not a postmodern “talk” show where we unleash our emotions and yell at one another to convey our point.  We do not interrupt one another to drive home our point and beat our opponent into submission.  We are communicating ideas, shedding light on new areas, and looking for solutions together.

In the words of James, “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” (James 1:19-20)

Paul pleads with the Ephesian Christians to talk “with” one another. 

  • Speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15)
  • Having put away falsehood, speak the truth with your neighbor (Ephesians 4:25-26).
  • Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouth.  Speak that which builds up that it may give grace to those who hear (Ephesians 4:29).
  • Put away bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, slander and malice.  Be kind, tenderhearted and forgiving (Ephesians 4:31-32).

Furthermore, he says to the church in Colossae:

Learning to talk with you takes time.  This type of communication doesn’t come easily.  You’ll have to decide that this is the high road you want to pursue.  Then you’ll have to fight for that high road vigorously.  It will take time.  Don’t quit.  Don’t give up.  Talking with you develops healthy relationships in our marriage, at our place of employment, at our churches, and yes, even in politics.

Talking “with” you assumes that we are both present and willing to communicate constructively with one another.  As leaders, our responsibilities include talking “with” people for the mutual benefit and growth of one another. 

So, here’s talking “with” you.

What other prepositions would you suggest to describe the way we talk/communicate with one another? What concerns or ideas do you have that you would like to see this blog address? Drop us a line.

As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend — Solomon