The first semester I studied Koine Greek challenged and confused me. After two years of goofing off in high school Spanish, I had to buckle down to learn the original language of the New Testament. In Greek, one declines nouns according to their use in a sentence.
- Subject – nominative case
- Object – accusative case
- Indirect objects – dative case
- Possessives – genitive case
- Direct speech – vocative case
Each case has different endings for gender (masculine, feminine, neuter) and number (singular, plural). Are you confused? If you only speak English, then a case language is very strange to you.
I became more confused when I found that the meanings of prepositions change when used with different cases. However, if I thought about prepositions in terms of relationships, then their use began to make sense.
On one occasion, my friend, Bob Swanson, talked to me about the concept of prepositional use with reference to one’s ability to communicate well. He said, “Some people talk ‘to’ people, while others talk ‘at’ people.” His idea caught my attention and I began to think about it from different prepositional angles keeping in mind the idea of relationships. There are those who talk “with” people. As I drafted this article, I realized that there are also people that talk “about” people and “down to” people.
Because the role of a leader results in influencing others, we must ask ourselves whether we tend to talk “at” people, “to” people, “down to” people, “above” people, “about” people, or “with” people?
HERE’S TALKING “AT” YOU
When he visits with us, he tends to carry on a one-sided conversation. If it is a one-sided conversation, then is it really a conversation, a monologue or a soliloquy? He talks “at” people. Sadly, he does not realize that he is doing so. Any attempt to help him understand how he communicates with people is met with resistance.
What characterizes this type of a person’s communication skills? He speaks about himself and his ideas without giving others the opportunity to speak about their ideas. Seldom does he listen as he rambles on and on, flipping from subject to subject like you might do with a Rolodex. No real closure for any subject takes place as he abruptly moves from topic to topic without breathing. You might wonder, as he babbles, whether he is trying to impress you with his multiple experiences and broad background in many sides of life. At times, he is like a hurricane moving in from the Atlantic Ocean with no regard for what lies in its path. People left in his wake wonder what he said and what use their limited words were in the lopsided conversation. When he does bother to breathe, someone may take that as their cue to interject an idea. However, he has not finished and moves on like a gust of wind suddenly empowered by energy from who knows where. Nothing stops him, except brutal frankness.
Unfortunately, the only way a listener can get a word into the conversation is to rudely interrupt him. As a result of this person’s insensitivity, people tend to avoid conversations with him.
Multiple proverbs speak to this person’s dilemma. “A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion” (Proverbs 18:2). “Every prudent man acts with knowledge, but a fool flaunts his folly” (Proverbs 13:16; cff Proverbs 10:19; Ecclesiastes 5:2; Matthew 12:26; James 1:19).
Unbelievably, there is an upside to this kind of conversational approach. This approach may work for someone who needs an occasional sounding board, a place to vent, a time to flesh out ideas. If you tend to be this type of a communicator, then start by saying that you need someone to simply listen to you as you ramble, rant or rave. When you finally, finish, give your listener an opportunity to respond. At that point, your role is to quietly listen without interrupting your sounding board.
As leaders, our goal is to talk “with” people, not “at” people. Our goal in communication is to influence the direction of our relationships with others.
